Great Ideas.

So, I have finally found myself an amazing text buddy.
And we laid out a plan.

Everyday's limit is 500, except on saturdays, which is 800.
No eating after 6:30pm
One new rule a day... as in, each morning we text the other the random rule of the day. Like, no red. Or nothing from animals. Or no carbs.
Makes everyday interesting=)

Will post more though.

CW: ~119

Cont'd....

So I went for a mile run.

Let me note: Running in the December air + Not enough liquids + Post-Binge *bleepbleep*HEADACHE = BAD IDEA.

About halfway through, I got the biggest migraine ever.

OH and to top that off, I puked my brains out when I got back in.

Oh well.

What brought on this sudden onset of self-punishing?

Let's see....

My fail rate, maybe?

I say that's a pretty good indication.

But whatever.

Tomorrow I'll weigh.

Take one day at a time.

And not stuff my face.

But more importantly, do whatever it takes.

~A

Derailed and Splattered

  

               All over the toilet, in this case.

I'm so sick.

 

          Of it all.

An Inconvenient Truth

I can't stuff my face, and not expect reprocussions.

Whatever.

Current weight: 117

Status: FAILURE

Ehh, tell me something I don't know.

This... is why I hate birthdays.

Also why God created more days, to compensate for the ones we FAIL at.

Anywho, had one serving of cereal and a salad for lunch.
That should be my day.

I'm just... Whatever, you know? I had the chance, blew it, and now I must pick up the pieces.

I feel like running till I puke.

But either or...
Today's better.
And that's all I can really do.....
Take one..
day...
at....
a....
...time.


It's times like these when my inability to get stark raving drunk and pissed at the world frustrates me.

One calorie at a time...

Thin.

Fuck.

=(
~Aniela

Mindless Thoughts

My head swirls. My thighs burn.

Does it ever end?

In:

Blueberry/Banana Shake...thing (90 cals)

Applesauce (50 cals)

1 can Split Pea soup (320 cals)

Total: 460 cals

Hmmm. Not too bad.

I'm gonna make it an early night tonight... Pray to Ana the scale is somehow lower tomorrow.

Sometimes I wonder, why do I do this?

But then I remember.

And it hurts.

~Aniela

The heavens have spoken!

So today during lunch, (I go to high school) the fire alarm went off.

During semester exams.

Guess God's making a point.

Well, I wasn't eating anyway.

I love getting lost in crowds.

~Aniela

Megalomania is for sane people

112.7

Couldn't get to bed last night.

That comes with starving oneself, though.

Still pretty fucking annoying.

I mean, one of the worst things you can do to me is leave me alone with myself.

My own best enemy. I am my own demise.

There's something so attractive about destruction.... In a very dark and quite macabre way.




At about 9 pm, I broke one of my main rules: never eat after 6. I had bouillon cube soup, (4 cals per cube) and my stomach felt so sick from all the sodium on an empty stomach.

I wanted to take a melatonin last night, decided against it.

The last thing I need is to get hooked on brain chemicals. It's bad enough I crave nothingness.




The empty air closing around me, a shell, until the pressure builds so high I snap like a dry twig.... Into nothing.




Breakfast: nothing, like usual.

Lunch: Water (lotsa water)

Dinner: Who knows? Each day is for the making. It's in my control.




*eery megalomaniacal vibes*




I love my mother.

But sometimes she just pisses me off.

I am SOMETHING. I want to scream. Make my feelings known. She acts like my being is of irrelevance to her, I'm still going to take up air space and food supplies.

My mom only acknowledges me when I'm binging.

Maybe that's why I did it (past tense) so much...... I just wanted the attention I was so deprived of.

Who am I kidding.

I was/am fat.

But I won't be for long=)




All these ugly pounds are just melting off... and I slightly feel like my brain's eating itself, but hey! I didn't sign up for anything less.



I hate exams.

~Aniela

Vroom VROOM

Just got off the phone with the boyfriend.
It's so hard sometimes...He's borderline schizophrenic, but I knew him before he was that way. Before his mind turned on him.

My heart aches for him.

Even more for my own hypocrisy.

I had a shake today when I got home from school, after an afternoon spent on a school bench with D. The crisp December air all around us, laughing and reminiscing- I feel like I'm forever losing touch.
Like reality is splitting in my grip.
Turning into a twisted wonderland.... where evil parties in playhouses...
It's hard to explain.

OHH on a lighter note, (gotta love those puns) my shake consisted of-
-1 banana (90 cals)
-9 frozen blue berries (9 cals)
-3/4 cup soy milk (40 cals)
-1/2 cup water
-2 Hyroxycut diet pills
All in a blender and blend blend blend!!
Yes, it does taste sorta icky, but the water smooths it down enough, that you can just swallow it. And tastes like banana.
The soy smoothes it, and the diet pills + water equals full & a high metabolism!

Ha. ha HA.
I'm probably gonna fuck up my blender/insides.

I mean, what's the difference?

My Better Oblivion

So today we had to run the mile.

I love running, just by default... the beat, the smooth rhythm of breath and body and mind. No thoughts... No accusations... No judgements.

Just you.

I didn't stop even once, for the whole four laps. Other girls whined and bitched, but I pushed through. It was amazing.

Until... something unexpected happened.

Or, rather, expected.

I passed out, for about 20 seconds.

I hear people all the time, speaking of how "freaked out" they are by passing out, or blacking out. But for me....

Not quite so.

It was so peaceful.... The darkness. Comforting, all-consuming. I was everything around me... yet nothing at all.

Of course, in reality, it wasn't anything so majestic.

My brain got confused, sent out the wrong chemicals, and then went into survival mode.

But I like my explanation.

"Here I am at the end of me... Trying to hold to what I can't see..."

Today so far, I've had nothing. I plan on eating later, if only to sustain life. Humph.

Yesterday I had 180 cals...

And yet I still feel pretty good today. In fact, better than good.

Maybe it's cause I have all that blubbery FAT to consume. *shrug*

Woke up today: 114.4 lbs

Fuck yeah! 4lbs in two days....

I'm so back bitches=)

What's another really amazing thing, (for metabolism AND hunger).....

(drum roll please)

Turmeric.

You can get it in capsules, or just sprinkle sprinkle sprinkle on your food!

Heheh, maybe I'm still a bit light-headed.

Who cares?

This is what beauty is.

Pain.

~Aniela Those

"Hey! You remind me of me...."

So today is the seven week mark of me and my boyfriend, D.
Me and him have become really close over the last year, to the point that now I consider him more than just a friend.

Everyone has their secrets, ya know. I understand and respect that.
This is just a little story of how I learned his.

But first... I must begin somewhat closer to home.

'Tis the nature of the beast, to survive. The animal shapes to the environment, and likewise. So, it's only proper for an animal to display environmentally-based behavior.
Quite simply, you can't be anorexic/bulimic without it SHOWING.
Whether it be a stray word, not even caught by anyone but you, a muttered remark when friends speak of "diets".
An irreparable fear of fat... Hating trying on clothes... These all spell something quite formidable and dangerous....
The Truth.

"No thanks, I have my lunch later. Can't wait!" ....A.

"Actually, money is really tight right now...Maybe the restaurant some other day?".....N

"No, no it's just my allergies acting up.." ....O

"What's the calories in this...?"...R

"Do you have that in a size down?"...E

"Where's the bathroom?"....X

"I'll just have a diet."....I

(to self)"I wonder if there's any calories in toothpaste..."...C

What do these all spell?

LIES.

To ourselves, our family, the ones we care about most....

And a few we couldn't give two flips and a flying fuck about.

We leave these clues though, throwing them out there, as if to silently scream, "Help me, I'm hurting...." Mouthing empty words into the dark abyss. Lost word, lost thoughts, lost self....

He found them.

One day, he approaches me, "Aniela..."

And all hell breaks loose.

I cry.

I shake.

Will he leave me?

Will he?

He sat with me, as I told him everything... and he understood. (Clue #1)

I felt so close to him that day.

A few weeks later he- talking about rejoining the swim team- said, "But I don't know, theres a chance I'll already be too fat by then...(continues conversation..)" (Clue #2)

Hmm....

Then just two days later, I see a picture of him on the wall of my classroom, (a reccomendation) and he's about thirty pounds heavier.

"Hey D, that one picture on the wall.. When was that taken?"

"Oh, this year..(blah blah blah)" (Clue #3)

And then....

BAM out of nowhere.

My boyfriend has an eating disorder.

It makes so much sense...

But no...

No...No no no NO!

Gahh! *frustration*

This is HELL. The constant self-loathing, endless days and sleepless nights...

And he's there with me.

I care about him so much....

I guess I'm a bit of a hypocrite.

But at the same damn time... SO IS HE.

Sigh....

I don't know what to do.

Currents:

116 lbs and PISSED.