"Hey! You remind me of me...."

So today is the seven week mark of me and my boyfriend, D.
Me and him have become really close over the last year, to the point that now I consider him more than just a friend.

Everyone has their secrets, ya know. I understand and respect that.
This is just a little story of how I learned his.

But first... I must begin somewhat closer to home.

'Tis the nature of the beast, to survive. The animal shapes to the environment, and likewise. So, it's only proper for an animal to display environmentally-based behavior.
Quite simply, you can't be anorexic/bulimic without it SHOWING.
Whether it be a stray word, not even caught by anyone but you, a muttered remark when friends speak of "diets".
An irreparable fear of fat... Hating trying on clothes... These all spell something quite formidable and dangerous....
The Truth.

"No thanks, I have my lunch later. Can't wait!" ....A.

"Actually, money is really tight right now...Maybe the restaurant some other day?".....N

"No, no it's just my allergies acting up.." ....O

"What's the calories in this...?"...R

"Do you have that in a size down?"...E

"Where's the bathroom?"....X

"I'll just have a diet."....I

(to self)"I wonder if there's any calories in toothpaste..."...C

What do these all spell?

LIES.

To ourselves, our family, the ones we care about most....

And a few we couldn't give two flips and a flying fuck about.

We leave these clues though, throwing them out there, as if to silently scream, "Help me, I'm hurting...." Mouthing empty words into the dark abyss. Lost word, lost thoughts, lost self....

He found them.

One day, he approaches me, "Aniela..."

And all hell breaks loose.

I cry.

I shake.

Will he leave me?

Will he?

He sat with me, as I told him everything... and he understood. (Clue #1)

I felt so close to him that day.

A few weeks later he- talking about rejoining the swim team- said, "But I don't know, theres a chance I'll already be too fat by then...(continues conversation..)" (Clue #2)

Hmm....

Then just two days later, I see a picture of him on the wall of my classroom, (a reccomendation) and he's about thirty pounds heavier.

"Hey D, that one picture on the wall.. When was that taken?"

"Oh, this year..(blah blah blah)" (Clue #3)

And then....

BAM out of nowhere.

My boyfriend has an eating disorder.

It makes so much sense...

But no...

No...No no no NO!

Gahh! *frustration*

This is HELL. The constant self-loathing, endless days and sleepless nights...

And he's there with me.

I care about him so much....

I guess I'm a bit of a hypocrite.

But at the same damn time... SO IS HE.

Sigh....

I don't know what to do.

Currents:

116 lbs and PISSED.