112.7
Couldn't get to bed last night.
That comes with starving oneself, though.
Still pretty fucking annoying.
I mean, one of the worst things you can do to me is leave me alone with myself.
My own best enemy. I am my own demise.
There's something so attractive about destruction.... In a very dark and quite macabre way.
At about 9 pm, I broke one of my main rules: never eat after 6. I had bouillon cube soup, (4 cals per cube) and my stomach felt so sick from all the sodium on an empty stomach.
I wanted to take a melatonin last night, decided against it.
The last thing I need is to get hooked on brain chemicals. It's bad enough I crave nothingness.
The empty air closing around me, a shell, until the pressure builds so high I snap like a dry twig.... Into nothing.
Breakfast: nothing, like usual.
Lunch: Water (lotsa water)
Dinner: Who knows? Each day is for the making. It's in my control.
*eery megalomaniacal vibes*
I love my mother.
But sometimes she just pisses me off.
I am SOMETHING. I want to scream. Make my feelings known. She acts like my being is of irrelevance to her, I'm still going to take up air space and food supplies.
My mom only acknowledges me when I'm binging.
Maybe that's why I did it (past tense) so much...... I just wanted the attention I was so deprived of.
Who am I kidding.
I was/am fat.
But I won't be for long=)
All these ugly pounds are just melting off... and I slightly feel like my brain's eating itself, but hey! I didn't sign up for anything less.
I hate exams.
~Aniela
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